Yesterday I posted my feelings in regards to The Top Five Regrets that people have and the blog post that Joe Peacock wrote. I had covered the first two and today, I will be covering the last three…
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. I feel uncomfortable expressing certain feelings with people. It’s not easy and I feel like I will be judged or defined by those feelings, which may or may not be fleeting. There are a few feelings in particular that I have trouble expressing, namely:
-Asking for help. I hate asking other people for help. I feel like I am weak for doing so and fall apart before, during and after asking for it. I also have a problem with feeling like crap until I felt like I have paid the person back for their help. I know on a fundamental level that a person cannot go their whole lives without reaching out and asking for help, but I still try. Even when it has caused me greater pain/trouble in the end than it would have if I would have asked someone for help in the first place.
-Frustration with family. There is a lot of hurt feelings in regards to my family. Not just between my immediate family and myself (even though there are a lot of feelings of hurt/betrayal/mistrust), but between members of my family with one another. I want to work on being able to express those feelings with the people that I have issues with as well as try and help the family heal overall, but unfortunately it isn’t entirely up to me. Everyone has to be in a place where they are comfortable enough to express their feelings as well as let others express theirs without fear of someone lashing back, which I just don’t think is going to happen, so I keep it quiet.
-Constantly afraid of failure. I can easily say that my biggest fear is failing at something and disappointing, well, anyone. Especially those who I hold in high regard. Again, I know it’s not possible to go your life without failing or without disappointing someone and that failure and learning from that failure is essential for growth. I just get tired of having people rub my past mistakes/failures in my face just as I start getting to a point where I feel like I’ve learned from them.
-Closet Christian. For the past three years, I’ve been a closet Christian. I’ve prayed and studied in secret because I feel like I’ll get ridiculed for believing. A lot of people, when hearing that someone is a Baptist assume that means automatically that I’m an anti-abortion, gay-hating loony who is secretly (or not so secretly) judging and condemning people to Hell because they don’t believe what I believe. Of course, anyone who knows me knows this is complete bullshit. Of course, I realized that believing that people would judge me for my beliefs, I was also judging them for something that they haven’t even done yet. How dumb is that?
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Not much to say about this one. I feel a bit disconnected from the friends that I moved away from since moving to Seattle. But I’m trying to fix that by calling people more often (even though I really hate talking on the phone) as well as starting to send at least one letter a month to a friend back at home.
I wish that I had let myself be happier.
-I’m a big bully to myself. I talked a lot about how I’m afraid of people judging me for things I say/think/feel/believe (and trying to fix that by posting), but I would say that the biggest obstacle is me. I bully myself. I’ve already talked about how I have issues with the way I look and how I’m trying to fix that, but I also have a bad habit of second-guessing myself and tearing myself down. Dunno how I’m going to do it, but I do want to change it. The only reason I’ve really picked up on the fact I’ve been doing it is during conversations with certain people when they call me out on it (M. is pretty good about telling me to stop it) or I call myself out on it after they do the same thing.
-I need to figure out what makes me happy (people, hobbies, places, etc.) and just do it. Self-reflection is only good and helpful to a point. Sure, I can sit here and blog all day about things that do and do not make me happy. But unless I go out and take action, all I have really accomplished is wasting my time.